For some individuals, a breakup may feel inevitable, leading them to believe that their relationship is … [+]
Relationship sabotaging occurs when individuals, often unconsciously, engage in behaviors that damage or destroy their relationship due to fear of being hurt or beliefs that it will not succeed.
A 2021 study published in Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy found that self-sabotage in romantic relationships is a common issue, with many people engaging in behaviors that undermine their chances of finding love.
Through interviews with 696 individuals, the researchers identified different motivations and strategies that people use to sabotage their relationships, often driven by fear and insecurities.
Many participants were afraid of getting hurt, so they would distance themselves or even end relationships before they had a chance to develop. “I’m afraid of getting my heart broken again,” said one participant. “I screw it up, usually on purpose – I break up with them before I get too attached,” added another participant.
Relationship sabotage is a way for individuals to protect themselves from perceived future pain or failure in the relationship, often leading to the very outcome they fear—relationship breakdown.
Here are three signs that your fear and insecurity may be driving your partner away:
1. Seeking constant security
One of the most common signs that insecurities are hurting your relationship is a constant need for reassurance. You may find yourself frequently asking your partner questions like, “Do you still love me?” or “Are you attracted to me?”
This behavior can put unnecessary strain on your relationship, making your partner feel like they have to constantly prove their love and commitment, which can eventually lead to frustration and distance.
While it’s normal to seek validation from your partner from time to time, the need for constant reassurance may stem from a deeper sense of self-doubt.
“I’m not good enough for my partner and one day he’ll realize that and leave. I tend to think that I am smaller than my partner and I don’t deserve it,” adds one participant.
A 2015 study explains that those with negative self-views, who often seek reassurance due to fear of rejection and low self-esteem, tend to internalize relationship threats. This reaction can cause anxiety, alienate others, and damage the stability of the relationship.
2. Over-analyzing the little things
Another sign that insecurities are at play is when you analyze every little thing your partner says or does. You may question the motives behind simple actions, like a delayed text response or a change in tone during a conversation.
One Reddit user said: “I tend to analyze and spend more time thinking about the relationship than living it, which leads to sabotaging it because I try to control everything.”
Another Reddit user added: “I’m so afraid of losing people, but because I think too much, I end up sending the wrong signals and end up self-sabotaging my relationships with almost everyone.”
Small, insignificant moments can often be blown out of proportion as you interpret them through the lens of your own insecurities. This overthinking can create unnecessary tension and lead to misunderstandings, driving a wedge between you and your partner.
It can be especially damaging when you keep these thoughts to yourself, letting them fester in your mind. As you ruminate, you may start making up stories and justifying why your partner acted the way they did, which only serves to push them further away.
A 2014 study suggests that when individuals with attachment insecurity—those who feel anxious or avoid closeness in relationships—keep their thoughts to themselves and ruminate, it can lead to negative behavior during conflicts.
This constant rumination, or rumination, can cause them to create and dwell on negative interpretations of their partner’s actions. Instead of dealing with issues directly, they engage in their own negative thoughts, which can alienate their partner and exacerbate the conflict.
3. You struggle to trust your partner
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and when insecurities set in, trusting your partner can become a challenge. You may find yourself doubting their loyalty, questioning their interactions with others, or feeling suspicious without any objective evidence.
Trust issues often arise from past traumatic relationships, creating fears of being hurt or abandoned.
“I no longer trust my romantic partners 100%. I’ll always think about what I’d do if they left or cheated, so I’m never fully invested,” said one participant from the 2021 study.
This fear can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy, where the very behaviors intended to protect oneself end up driving the partner away.
Overcoming insecurities and sabotaging relationships
Attachment styles play an important role in relationship insecurities. Anxious individuals seek constant reassurance, fearing abandonment, while avoidant individuals become emotionally distant.
Partners can help address these uncertainties through specific strategies:
- Communicate openly. Share your insecurities with your partner. Transparency fosters trust and allows your partner to understand and reassure you, strengthening the bond. Focus on consistent and positive interactions. Be reliable, open and patient, allowing trust to grow naturally over time.
- Self-esteem through conscience. Work on building your self-esteem through self-esteem and mindfulness. This helps reduce the need for constant reassurance from your partner.
- Address immediate uncertainties. For anxious connections, seek and offer reassurance in this moment. For avoidant attachment, partners may “soften” interactions, making the relationship more comfortable and less threatening. For long-term relationship security, it is important to cultivate positive views of others.
- Long-term growth. Work together to reshape deep-seated beliefs and negative self-views, fostering secure attachment, trust, and a healthier, more trusting relationship.
Ultimately, overcoming relationship sabotage begins with facing and healing the insecurities that silently undermine the trust and connection you seek to build.
Think you’re secretly sabotaging your relationship? Take this quiz to get a science-backed answer:Relationship Sabotage Scale